Thoughts on the Journey

Yesterday I was very foolish because I was craving a subway sandwich. I went out in the storm though I did dress properly but then discovered that even though I was there I had to use Grubhub. There is one I can walk to but I went for the T, it was an odd mood and then I chose the wrong shop in the app. The wonderful person there helped me out and I got my sandwich and then headed home.

My mood was odd because I'd stayed up all night reading, A Private Gentleman by Heidi Cullinan, a good book and I really need to not read romance novels before bed. They tend to be short enough that I know I can read a lot of them all at once. But they also are written in a way that makes them hard to put down, this one was good, needed some more editing as lots of plot but it worked.

Something I realized yesterday was how familiar this particular darker mood felt and I remembered my last winter in New Zealand when I was trying and failing to write my masters' thesis. Then I basically was stuck at home with brief trips out for walks or to meet with my advisor or do research but mainly not going out much. There was a subway almost next door to my apartment building where I'd often go when I was hungry and didn't want to make something. I was living in a shared apartment with two other people but we didn't connect that much. Also I felt like there was a wall in front of me that I couldn't get over, which ended up being true. I'm much more of a generalist and that thesis taught me a lot about how I work. I was also really homesick then.

This time, I'm in a place where I'm not hitting my head against something I can't do, but I can't control the pandemic and I miss my family a lot. The holidays have become tougher since my sister died because she started to go from sick to really sick at Thanksgiving, then died in February. So being together over the holidays means more. I've been thinking out testing and driving down for the holidays as I apply for jobs and need to figure out unemployment again after working the election. I can't seem to find a good place to find out when to expect to get paid.

In good news, I am writing, doing two Little Bangs for Rebelcaptain and I've started posting one that's getting lots of love. I'll be ready to put the other one up soon. The second one I keep getting in my head more since its a take on Jyn and Cassian having kids, which there a lot of takes on. I'm happy with what I have and its going to only get better. It also is a nice reminder to myself of how far I've come from that year in New Zealand when one of the things that stuck with me for a while was this worry over wordcounts. I started doing Yuletide not long after and that really helped me and my writing has changed. I still mainly write stuff under 1000 words but I know I can do longer too.

I meant to write up this past week earlier since a good deal happened in it but then I stayed up too late watching The Haunting of Hill House and haven't been focused enough for words. And I binged that because it pulled me in and some of the grief felt familiar. Powerful and well done show, I'd recommend stretching it out since its in intense.

I think I'm on a slightly more even keel now but life is feeling in an odd place. The holidays are coming up, which I love but now there's also the association of my sister being sick around them. And I'm between jobs, which adds to that feeling of being unsettled. This past week and the one before, my last one at the public library felt more like a month than two weeks.

To begin with, last Monday, I learned about volunteering work that I think I'll be able to help with including working with a fellow librarian who works for the same library staffing agency. That was a really nice surprise and need to get back in touch with her. Then I had probably one of the worst work schedules at the nice library, closings and then openings, 5 to 9, Monday and Wednesday and 9 to 1 on Tuesday and Thursday. By the time I hit Friday I wasn't up to doing much and I think I might have been sick too. The last day of work was nice, one of the older librarians bought me one of the Dunkin Halloween themed donuts and the director of the library made it clear that they'd be happy to have me work with them again and it might happen.

Oh and Thursday after work, the HVAC maintenance person stopped by for what was meant to be a regular check up but instead found out it was broken. They came by again early Tuesday morning to fix one leak and say there's another, so as the weather's getting colder, I don't currently have heat. I'm also still dealing with a prescription thing that's taking far too long but I think its on the right track now.

Wednesday night was an alum meet up for my New Zealand university which I helped to arrange a little with an older couple at a pub in downtown Boston. I left the night feeling good about how it went but also feeling a lot like Lady Sybil Ramkin, since I was more in the hostess role. The spot we ended up in was pretty tight for how large a crowd we had but everyone had a good time and wanted to do more. It was nice to meet other Americans who spent time in New Zealand as well as New Zealanders living the US. The crowd was a true range of ages and experiences, but I spent most of the night handing out drink tickets and name tags.

So while I met people, the connections didn't feel as strong and I didn't find any fandom folks. I know they're out there but its always tricky knowing the right questions to get beyond so what do you do. There's a cool bookstore that does events that I keep meaning to try and get to. And then the night ended with a truly disheartening conversation with two NZ men about politics with them being 'realistic' and it left me tired. I think the worst of it was I felt talked down to, like how precious of you to be hopeful, it was disappointing since I'd had good interactions with them throughout the night. And I think that compounded that feeling of being slightly invisible.

In hopeful holiday news, I signed up for Yuletide and the Rebelcaptain secret santa and I'm planning on using November to try and get more writing done. Get some works in progress out into the world. The first chapter of my college AU is up and I think that's one that won't take much to finish and post, two more chapters, one smutty interlude. Ice Dancing AU as always is going to take more work, but I know I can get it done and also I have some shorter works to finish up.

Today, marginaliana asked for What's your favorite or most important symbol and why is it meaningful for you?

For this answer, I really wish I had all my icons as I actually have an icon of the symbol that means a lot to me.



In Maori art, koru connects the past and the present. When I was in New Zealand, this symbol made sense to me in terms of beginnings and endings and how you can't always tell when you're starting and when you're ending and that every ending is a beginning. I had a chance to walk through a New Zealand rainforest and seen tree ferns with korus bigger than me and its stuck with me. I wish New Zealand wasn't so far away because I would love to live there again.

As I'm getting ready for another beginning and working on grasping every start I can find, this curling symbol of life waiting and ready resonates. Its hard to find just one other image to capture the glorious koru but I finally chose one.



From my trip, I have a greenstone koru necklace that I love wearing. Whenever I wear it, I feel stronger as I remember that I went to New Zealand with a visa, one connection through my mother and the company that helped me get the visa. From there I spent a year supporting myself and then went back for grad school, as I get ready for another move, I remind myself of that. My toxic job left some scars but I made my way in New Zealand and that is within me.

December meme is over here

Life has been full with fact-checking and interviews because the job search is always present. Today I had a tough interview that I got through and feel like I presented myself as I wanted to in. I'm also reading a lot of good books and have finished a mix of great and okay books. Also last week, I saw Hal Holbrook's Mark Twain Tonight and the choices he made of using Twain's words to speak about racism was amazing and I want to write in more depth about it. It struck me with the power of theater.

What I finished reading

Uprooted by Naomi Novik, this book hit me in a lot of places I knew. The worry of not fitting, stories, not being who you're supposed to be and how to be yourself when everyone wants you to be someone else. This is one of the best books that has a fairy tale at its heart but is its own thing that I've read in a long time.

I Kissed An Earl by Julie Anne Long, part of her Pennyroyal Green series. I enjoyed reading this book that plays with the tropes of a bored debutante and a captain with a hard past but it didn't hit me as hard as I expected. An enjoyable romance, well written, great characters and a wonderful understanding of certain tropes but not my favorite of her books.

What I'm currently reading

the Book of Phoenix by Nnedi Okorafor which is fantastic. The writing is beautiful and the setting is fascinating. I've been meaning to read her and I'm hooked.

The Attenbury Emeralds by Jill Paton Walsh, this is her third Peter Wimsey and Harriet Vane mystery. When they first came out, I read her books and was impressed with how she wrote Peter and Harriet. This one is definitely hooking me.

Welcome to Paradise by Rosalind James. This is an ebook I picked up because the author's from New Zealand and I was curious. Its caught me which I never expected. The setting is a reality tv show that's a cross between Survivor and those shows where people have to live like its another era. I also find the use of a reality tv show clever as she can play with tropes and intense situations and it works in a way that it doesn't always in contemporary romance.The writing and characters feel real so I think I'll be reading more of Rosalind James.

What I'm reading next
Probably Brothers in Arms by Lois McMaster Bujold which is technically a reread as I have some ideas about writing fic and RP for Ivan Vorpatril. Before I do that I have to remind myself of the various versions of him and this will turn into an entire canon reread.

This was an odd Monday, the power was off in the library so I had nothing to do and went and read in Starbucks for a while. Also yesterday was spent cooking and then enjoying hosting with my parents a movie group they're a part of, we talked about films from the Rehoboth Film Festival and others. Apparently The Book Thief was quite popular, which makes me curious. From what I've read of reviews online, it seems one of those books that people either love or they hate. Also I've been introducing mainly my mother but also my father to more Doctor Who with a focus on Ten as he's my favorite. I hadn't realized before just how much Russell T. Davies used authors as linchpins of stories; Dickens, Shakespeare, Christie.

Oh and I finally got more words for my Yuletide, it still doesn't really have much form to it but there are over 600 words. This might be one where I throw the words out on the page and then beg my betas help in making sense of it.

Now for the December Meme, which is still very open. You don't need to leave ideas on that entry, leave them on any and they will be written. I might end up extending it into January as I'm loving the questions I'm getting.

Back to the point for today swankyfunk asked me: Out of all the places you've visited, where would you most like to live and why?

Now I'm going to do top five for this one, because narrowing it down to just one is really hard.

1-Wellington, New Zealand: I liked who I was in Wellington. I found a gaming group, I was able to wander. There were cafes to read in, museums to wander into, water, hills and even used bookstores that didn't eat all my money. Also the best public library that I've been to, okay one of my top ten favorite libraries. I could have lived in that library with no problem. The only true con to Wellington is that its so far away from the US and my family and friends here. When I came back from New Zealand, I wanted to try and meet and connect with all these amazing people I'd met through Milliways, but it stalled. First the recession, then grad school in Michigan and now I'm here in Delaware and the oomph to go see people hasn't happened as I'd like. DC, Maryland and Virginia people, I want to connect with you. Yet there are also people on that side of the world as well, its tough.

2-Dublin, Ireland: I spent a week in Dublin in 2002 when I had finished my semester abroad in Athens and I loved it. Again a city I could walk that had water but also art and history and all those things that I loved. I would love the chance to live there and know it better.

3-Philadelphia, Pennsylvania: Growing up for me, Philly was the city that was just a train ride away. I spent high school going to South Street, the year after I graduated college had an internship at a museum on Penn's Landing, its my favorite city. I love the history of it, Ben Franklin walked those streets and the river going through and its close to DC and New York but a little cheaper. There are great restaurants and wonderful neighborhoods, the Mummers, Reading Terminal Market. I always expected that I would end up near it because it was where I grew up and I'd still like to.

4-San Francisco/Central California: My mother grew up in Carmel-by-the-Sea so I spent a few weeks ever summer going to Carmel to spend time with my grandmother, aunt, uncle and cousin. Also a visit to San Francisco where my great aunt lived and I loved it. One reason I adore New Zealand is that it reminds me of that part of California. I've only visited it but I'd love to try living there.

5-Seattle: My other aunt and uncle live in Seattle and its another city that I adore visiting. It feels like New Zealand and its the Pacific Northwest and god, I would love to work at that library.

As you can see, I'm pretty evenly split between East and West Coast with New Zealand kind of splitting the difference. I have learned about myself that I'm happiest in a city with some sort of waterfront whether its river or ocean, water makes it all better. I do love New York City but to me it always felt like a city to dip into versus one to live in. This is probably because I've never lived there and its been a place I go for a few days at a time, but its never pulled me the same ways that these others have. At this point, I would just love a job near a city where I knew one or two people because I do need that social grounding.

One thing that wrecked me last year was not really knowing anyone, Rick was too far away in Ann Arbor and people were nice at work but that's not quite enough. I did like Ann Arbor as well but it felt too far away from everything though it was a great city. If I could have moved Ann Arbor farther east, I would have been happy and found a job there.

I'm currently sitting in Brooklyn after a day of travel to New York City and lots of reading in various cafes around Union Square. I'm up here because my life is rather strange, the University of Victoria invited me as an alumna to a lecture and reception at the UN tomorrow night. That means I get to see skygiants and arushindoll for a few days before heading back down to Delaware for my father's 75th birthday party. Then on Monday, I get to start volunteering at my local library and there's a job opening for a youth librarian at the library near where my brother lives in New Jersey. I feel like good things are coming my way and that its time to get to work creating the sort of life I want. That means focusing more on looking for jobs and cover letters and putting myself out there to be seen by the people I want to see me. Also just being in New York City always revitalizes me because it gives me a great sense of how diverse and wonderful the world is and how I can connect to it. I spent most of my afternoon sitting in a gorgeous cafe called Argo Tea reading the newest October Daye novel and feeling tired but content.

I love that Uncle Rob has hit upon where I am beautifully.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If you were about to run in a long-distance
race, you wouldn't eat a dozen doughnuts. Right? If you were planning to
leave your native land and spend a year living in Ethiopia, you wouldn't
immerse yourself in learning how to speak Chinese in the month before
you departed. Right? In that spirit, I hope you'll be smart about the
preparations you make in the coming weeks. This will be a time to prime
yourself for the adventures in self-expression that will bloom in late
September and the month of October. What is it you want to create at
that time? What would you like to show the world about yourself?

In that same spirit, I recently complete two fics for exchanges that I can't share yet but I'm proud of both of them. They were in fandoms I know but focusing on characters that I don't normally write about and I hope their recipients end up liking them.

Fic Friday last week was wonderful and I wrote a good deal.
( Twitter Fics )

I had I think one of my best days of work today with lots of little and big moments. My school has special days and today was one of them, Diversity Day. The students organized all of the activities which were workshops talking about different ways of being outside of the group and how to create good dialogue and be respectful. For the teachers and staff, we did our own version of the same workshops which went great. Lunch was provided by the parents who made so much delicious food, I'm only now getting hungry after eating around 11:30. During the workshops, I was part of a lot of great conversations about fitting in, politics, religion, identity, the stuff I love.

During lunch, I got to talking about fandom with another teacher and a student who is in the library a lot said, I would take a class about fanfiction, the teacher also said we need to talk more. She teaches history but also does creative writing, so that was great. The day ended with an assembly of performances, I talked about two experiences I had in New Zealand; one of my being welcomed and the other of jokes by friends and asking them not to make them. It felt great, I ended it with my knees a little wobbly and smiling, before I left people kept telling me they enjoyed it.

Then after school, I talked a lot with some of the middle school students who are into programming including trying to stop one of them from trying to find out the admin password. There needs to be a better technology program or else these kids will be doing who knows what. I know they're interested because they keep joking and saying, we need a class to teach us ethics, I'd teach it. I just felt today as if I fit in with the community in so many ways, it was wonderful.

The weather is getting colder, which I'm grateful for as the past few days have been foggy and weirdly warm. I'd rather it be cold and clear than so foggy you can't tell the time.

I'm enjoying the character meme and am still open for more characters as I've only answered Charles and Demeter here and Will on LJ.

Ask me on this entry or here on the original entry.

Last night before a quite nice dinner party, I had some good conversations and one mess that's been being awful for many people is on the way to being cleared out. The dinner party was nice though sadly near the end of it, my cough decided to hit and hit hard. In the end, I headed to bed rather early but still woke up at about 4 am coughing, this is becoming a not fun cycle for me. I know I have asthma and whatever cold or flu I had earlier in the summer has just got it bad again. Some of it is probably asthma combining with allergies and I need to go get it checked out. I think I'm reaching a point where I can actually do that now that my stuff is where it needs to be.

One thing that made this morning not quite as fun was that in the midst of coughing, I had a copule of dreams about getting lost. Now when I remember dreams, I try to make them into one narrative though I know they're not. As I write it out and if you've read my other dream posts, I do try and separate them but dreams are strange and fascinating.

Now the first part of the dream was at a party in a rather fancy house, for some reason, I made the connection to the show Dallas. The house was large and rambling and I knew one of the young men in the family and there was lots of going about and trying to do things. At one point in the dream, I had to go through the kitchen which you could only enter and exit by climbing on ladders set into interior windows. As I tried to go through them, I kept apologizing to the people working in the kitchen who were trying to direct me how to do it but it scared me. I don't like heights and ladders and stepladders make me nervous. The dream changed before I actually got through the kitchen.

Next part of the dream I was in I think New Zealand, but I don't know the city. I think the young man from earlier was with me and I was getting ready to leave. I had a huge backpack, not a hiking one just a large school one and a bulging folder of papers that had all my travel stuff. We had been doing something and then I looked at my watch and realized that my flight was leaving very soon. My watch said 1:05, that was clear but I couldn't find the right paper with my flight information. The guy was being so nice and kept reminding me that I'd caught flights with not much leeway before, I did on my way back from Rhode Island. In the dream, that wasn't helping that much because I was in the panic of I know where I need to be, how can I get there. Then I started towards a light rail or something that would get me there, a Brazilian team was also nearby and trying to catch their plane as well. I woke up before getting to the airport but it left me feeling nervous and a little out of sorts.

When I was little, I had a real problem with sleeping in and being late. I got called into the office for it, that's why it tends to turn up in anxiety dreams of mine, because I have to work on it. I still do, if I have to be up really early, I set my alarm earlier than I need to get up to allow lots of time. Then I still wake up even earlier for fear of missing my alarm. Though I'm fairly sure I know what anxieties these dreams are tapping into, I was told this week that I'd find out about the most recent job.

I'm back in Delaware. I still have various address changes, bills and other things to do to tie off all the loose ends in Michigan. Also I have to figure out where to put all my stuff in the house, but for the moment, I have stopped.

My body has chosen today to not like me and its left me quite tired. The road trip was lovely, yesterday we took our time and took a side trip to Fort Necessity, which led us to spending the night in Cumberland, Maryland. We stayed at a newly renovated hotel that was right next to this beautiful park that's built around the end of the Chesapeake and Ohio canal with a bike trail on the old towpath. We had delicious seafood, proper East Coast seafood and I got to watch the Olympics and tag before sleeping.

Today we drove through Maryland and Delaware and it was long and my allergies are making me feel wobbly and a little off, but the drive is done. Also yesterday during the drive, I was called by the school that interviewed me last week just to check that I was still good to be considered by them. I'm in the midst of processing and shifting gears, so much has happened and its going to take time to make it all fit and figure out the shape of this bit of my life.

One thing that I realized is that compared to the last time I was living here, I'm in a far better place. After Wellington, I was a mess and feeling a failure. Now I feel like instead of coming here to dig in and recover, I'm actually in a safe haven as I look forward. There will be some tags tonight, but I don't expect to be in chat, probably later in the week. I also plan on doing writing once I've settled in more as I do have ideas.

I would like this week to have a few things go right on the first try. The movers were late sending out the online confirmation but that's done. There's a email from the my student loans telling me to go look at a message from them but I don't want to. Last time I did the amount of interest made me want to cry, that will get put off a little longer.

My body keeps feeling off as in having asthma issues that I haven't had in a while. Allergies have rarely made me wheeze, its disturbing and disconcerting, I would like to not fall apart. My ear also seems to have healed, but it feels like it needs more. I also haven't been sleeping properly so I keep having points during the day where my temperature feels off and I just want to fall over and hide for a time. End of body rant and worries.

Meebo messenger's been shut off and I can't find a replacement that will let me get into chat, not even AIM Express which is messed up. I've got a five hour shift today and I'm already feelings a bit out of it, need chat and its wonderful community. So guys, I'm online but can't get into chat.

I'm going to do some meme answers, try to figure out who to do Happy Hour with tonight and maybe even write more on a fic that I should write. Perhaps tomorrow is a good day to go to the movies and hide from the world for a little bit.

Icon meme first.

1. Reply to this post with Dance with me, and I will pick five of your icons.
2. Make a post (including the meme info) and talk about the icons I chose.
3. Other people can then comment to you and make their own posts.

These five icons were chosen by bjornwilde



At one point I started watching Gossip Girl, I think I finished the first season but that was it. I found this icon and I love it as it shows the best of female friendship, two friends just being together.



anthologia made this icon and it feels quite apt for where I am at the moment, looking towards the future and not knowing what's ahead. Its peaceful and beautiful.



I loved Inception and this was by far my favorite scene in it because there was a clear sense of this isn't true reality. I wish honestly that there had been more of this but loved what there was. It was harder than I expected to find an icon of this moment.



This is a scene from the movie Atonement which I'm not a fan of. Its a gorgeous movie with wonderful actors, but I hate, hate the story. If I could have removed the actual plot, I might have liked it better. Its a heartbreaking movie about how a badly thought out and rather selfish choice that destroyed lives and to me that the person who did the wrecking never really got it. The atonement that's supposed to be the payoff felt weak to me. I have a fair amount of icons from this movie for Will as James MacAvoy spends a lot of time in it looking older than his age and hurting. I use this icon for war related things and general sadness.



My mother's originally from Carmel by the Sea so I spent my childhood spending one or two weeks there and visiting my grandmother, aunt, uncle and cousin. I also grew up not far from the Atlantic ocean in Pennsylvania and my parents now live on the Delaware shore. I'm happiest when water is within walking distance for me. I loved that about Wellington, not only was the water right there but the waterfront was someplace I wanted to be. There was the public library and Te Papa and places to sit and watch the world go by. Everything for me feels a little more possible by the water. This icon is my beach, water one.

Now another round of the five topics meme.

Comment to this post saying "FIVE!" and I will pick five things I would like you to talk about. They might make sense or be totally random.

Then post that list, with your commentary, to your journal. Other people can get lists from you, and the meme merrily perpetuates itself, hopefully for the rest of eternity!

(I don't really care if you say "FIVE" or let me know some other way. Just for the record.)

These five are from crazyfurries

( Five more words )

Now all this writing has been feeling a little more even keeled and now to plot who will do Happy Hour in Milliways.