Thoughts on the Journey

I never realized how much I missed the smaller social interactions of going to a cafe or the library and reading or the conversations that are part of being a public librarian. I've had jobs and times when I worked from home but then either I was living with my parents or could go and sit in a cafe for lunch. Since the library I'm working at closed last Friday for two weeks that looks like it will extend to the end of the month, my days have been okay. The people at this library are lovely and each day my email is filled with pet pictures.

I did a lot of shopping so I feel prepared food and other things wise, but I do wish I'd had time to get my hair cut before everything shut down. At this point, I have far too many ideas of food I want to cook or bake but haven't yet. Also I have ideas for stuff I want to write and read but I'm not pushing myself too much, creativity's strange. One of the odd ironies is before this, I was getting ready to go out and do more, visit museums, go to book signings, get myself out more.

My neighborhood's a weird mix of open and closed and every day I walk to a little park behind where I live. It does worry me to see people playing basketball and tennis but most of the time in my walks, we're all avoiding each other.

One of the unexpected benefits of this is how Milliways is more active as older players come for a thread in the All Skate. I'm so grateful for all the online friendships that I have.

( Family health )

I meant to write up this past week earlier since a good deal happened in it but then I stayed up too late watching The Haunting of Hill House and haven't been focused enough for words. And I binged that because it pulled me in and some of the grief felt familiar. Powerful and well done show, I'd recommend stretching it out since its in intense.

I think I'm on a slightly more even keel now but life is feeling in an odd place. The holidays are coming up, which I love but now there's also the association of my sister being sick around them. And I'm between jobs, which adds to that feeling of being unsettled. This past week and the one before, my last one at the public library felt more like a month than two weeks.

To begin with, last Monday, I learned about volunteering work that I think I'll be able to help with including working with a fellow librarian who works for the same library staffing agency. That was a really nice surprise and need to get back in touch with her. Then I had probably one of the worst work schedules at the nice library, closings and then openings, 5 to 9, Monday and Wednesday and 9 to 1 on Tuesday and Thursday. By the time I hit Friday I wasn't up to doing much and I think I might have been sick too. The last day of work was nice, one of the older librarians bought me one of the Dunkin Halloween themed donuts and the director of the library made it clear that they'd be happy to have me work with them again and it might happen.

Oh and Thursday after work, the HVAC maintenance person stopped by for what was meant to be a regular check up but instead found out it was broken. They came by again early Tuesday morning to fix one leak and say there's another, so as the weather's getting colder, I don't currently have heat. I'm also still dealing with a prescription thing that's taking far too long but I think its on the right track now.

Wednesday night was an alum meet up for my New Zealand university which I helped to arrange a little with an older couple at a pub in downtown Boston. I left the night feeling good about how it went but also feeling a lot like Lady Sybil Ramkin, since I was more in the hostess role. The spot we ended up in was pretty tight for how large a crowd we had but everyone had a good time and wanted to do more. It was nice to meet other Americans who spent time in New Zealand as well as New Zealanders living the US. The crowd was a true range of ages and experiences, but I spent most of the night handing out drink tickets and name tags.

So while I met people, the connections didn't feel as strong and I didn't find any fandom folks. I know they're out there but its always tricky knowing the right questions to get beyond so what do you do. There's a cool bookstore that does events that I keep meaning to try and get to. And then the night ended with a truly disheartening conversation with two NZ men about politics with them being 'realistic' and it left me tired. I think the worst of it was I felt talked down to, like how precious of you to be hopeful, it was disappointing since I'd had good interactions with them throughout the night. And I think that compounded that feeling of being slightly invisible.

In hopeful holiday news, I signed up for Yuletide and the Rebelcaptain secret santa and I'm planning on using November to try and get more writing done. Get some works in progress out into the world. The first chapter of my college AU is up and I think that's one that won't take much to finish and post, two more chapters, one smutty interlude. Ice Dancing AU as always is going to take more work, but I know I can get it done and also I have some shorter works to finish up.

I'm working from home today and its actually just what I needed. A little more sleep and now I'm trying to organize for my successor all the various things that I do. Its a daunting list and for me, this is going better on my own computer. I think because knowing they hired someone and now there really is an end feels like a lot combined with the weird end of last week. I just needed a break from the shifting workspace.

And I'll be moving my offices for my last month of work into where the person I replaced actually worked. This all is strange and with the weather deciding to go back to being rainy instead of sunny, draining too. Though there is some really good, one of my coworkers who I really like said I did a great job this year yesterday, that felt wonderful. And a student worker signed up to work Reunion Saturday so I probably won't have to work on my birthday.

I feel like my words and writing are starting to come back, which is a great feeling. Filling prompts and thinking about doing some traveling during the summer. Looking ahead I'm also going to get back into major job searching with now feeling comfortable doing academic jobs. I know the fact checking is there since my boss there reached out to me with a job last month.

My window garden is going wonderfully well, which is making me feel hopeful and slightly sad. I can't share pictures of it with my sister, but I feel like she knows. I'm also sharing lots of pictures with the rest of my family.

I'm so glad that I don't have to work tomorrow. I think I probably could but I drove back from NJ in the rain and I'm processing my sister's memorial. Last weekend at Mystic was great and I want to write more about that, but for now. I'm going to have a quiet night and catch up on online things and not do a lot. Tomorrow I have some chores to do but I'm going to try and not push myself too much.

Last night I dreamed that the floor in my apartment was falling and then somehow flooding, it began in a corner of the bathroom and then spread. Most of the dream was spent moving various things back and forth as a handyman was there, my parents helped and somehow new architectural details of my apartment were found but it was a truly anxious dream. Also I'm sore and worn out and can't tell how much of it might be a cold from this never-ending winter and how much is grief and job worry.

Today I didn't go into work because yesterday left me so frayed due to work weirdness of getting to do something great with student workers and being reminded that, oh yes, someone else will do this job next semester, so I can help but shouldn't plan too much. Though I then end up being given some planning things because my boss is really awful at communication especially about what's happening with my job. My temp contract at this point is set to end at the end of March and I want to take April off, because at the end of the month will be my sister's memorial. And before that I want to visit with friends, have a long road trip, have an actual vacation since I really haven't had one. Yet I also want to make sure that the student workers are in good hands with someone who respects them and will help protect them from my boss' horrible lack of management and communication skills. Also if I know someone's there, then I will feel more comfortable applying for jobs and being able to say, look what I've done and what I can do. February is ending up to be a very long short month but today is a reminder to myself that if I need to take days off before I leave, its okay to, I probably need them since I've never grieved like this before.

In good news, last weekend, I went to Boskone which was just the right speed of con for how I'm feeling. I loved how the focus was really on authors and there were so many good panels though I didn't get to many of them. I ended up hearing Jane Yolen and her son talk which was fantastic, she's one of those authors that I've loved since I first started reading fantasy. And hearing her talk reminded me of how many books she's written that I haven't read but also how many different kinds of books she's written. Also I sat at a table with two authors I know of when I was charging my phone and was part of a nice conversation. The Dealers' room was my favorite kind with mainly books, interesting jewelry and stuff I normally wouldn't see. I picked up a book of Mexican short fantastic fiction, two anthologies-one I've been looking for and one I didn't even know existed that was autographed. I had a hard moment at one of the jewelry booths as they had an entire rack of earrings that looked like tiny flowers and I knew my sister would have loved them. Boskone's going to go on my list of cons to get to.

Today I hung up some art, got air in my tires and hope to maybe do some writing before ending the week with I hope a slow and easy Friday.

My sister died tonight and this album and this song among others have been my soundtrack since she started to get a lot sicker during the holidays. I miss her already.

Tomorrow I'm going to the memorial of a woman who was basically an adopted aunt. I have all these words I want to say about her and I don't know where to start. I keep looking back at my life and seeing her thumbprints in terms of being thoughtful, loving and teaching.

Today my mom and I made a huge amount of cookies for the reception after her memorial, a potluck because she always loved potlucks. Food made to be shared and with love matters.

She died a week ago and I don't know if I'm ready to not have her somewhere. She's been failing and hurting and she passed in her sleep, but I miss her.