Thoughts on the Journey

Life has been full and it finally feels like its heading towards happier things. This past week, my parents came up to visit and I got a new car. Same model as my old one but the almost newest one and oh its taken a huge load of worry off my shoulders. Now I'm not wondering what's going to break next and my car is so pretty, its a lovely dark blue so I've decided to name it Jester as I'm a Critter now. Also I think it fits, my car is fast and can do so much more than I've fully realized and its fun to drive.

Since they came up here, I'm not heading down for Thanksgiving, but my fridge is full of leftovers as we did a good bit of cooking when they visited. I made pumpkin cheesecake for the first time and oh, so delicious but next time will make farther ahead of time. We also had a great visit with my older relative and her husband which was nice and felt great after the tough one from before. Her husband has dementia and last time we had gone on a long drive and it was a lot. This time, we brought sandwiches and just stayed at their place which went better.

My Yuletide is going slowly but going, I feel like my writing has started to be happening more. I'm writing for a fandom and a ship that I've written before and I have some ideas.

Work is going okay, I found out that we'll be closed the Sunday and Mondays of the holiday weekends, which is when I normally work so don't have to waste leave days on them. There are more jobs that I need to get out to but I'll do that.

I've also finally started on a project of having a new smaller purse from an army bag that I bought at I think Arisia or Boskone years ago. After I found it, I went online and bought some neat Rogue One patches then didn't have an iron so they've just been sitting there. Well, this past week I finally iron on the patches, I'm going to add some stitches for extra security and they look so good. Next big step is clearing out and sorting my bag to use my new bag and do the same for a smaller wallet as well. The end of this year and next year is going to be about life changes that improve my life.

In might be good, might be bad, the building I live in has been put up for sale, it hasn't been sold yet so trying to not overthink it. I've learned for myself and anxiety that I tend to have moments of thinking of the worst possible outcome then reminding myself how to deal if that happens. This doesn't always work when its kind of ongoing like job things but for the apartment it works. I like this apartment but its not perfect and if I had to find another place, I could do it.

I spent a lot of March and April not getting as much stuff done as I'd planned on. Now in May, I feel like finally I'm actually getting things done. Part of that is I have a deadline as I'm going to have a long family visit around the time of my birthday. That means waking my car up after it wasn't in use, sorting out various home things and the big one that I did earlier was getting my haircut. I know that I did get stuff done before since taxes were sorted and I put up a new chapter of my rebelcaptain kid fic, but it didn't feel like as much. Some of that's the weather changing but I think a lot of it is in my head too. A huge relief is that I finally have a permanent crown on a tooth that first had a root canal back in 2019 and has been in a weird limbo of needing overly complicated stuff is set.

Library jobs are seeming to slowly appear and I feel like there's more out there but I'm kind of taking my time. Contact tracing taught me a lot about what I can do as well as thinking more about all the complicated factors around work. That's something I'm still thinking about and might write more on.

I had my second shot on May 6th and didn't have much reaction, a headache, some fatigue but it also coincided with my shark week starting. So far it seems like it hasn't made anything worse just the normal amount of annoying.

Today I've enjoyed reading a really good book, A Tip for the Hangman about Kit Marlowe, which actually has inspired a new scene for my rebelcaptain kid fic. I highly recommend the book if you want spies, romance, and all the complications told in a really well done historical fiction read. I haven't been watching that much new stuff lately though I have a list of things I want to like Shadow and Bone, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, but my energy for new media is something that's slowly coming back. I'm wary about The Bad Batch since I didn't find them that interesting in the last season of Clone Wars, they seem like they belong in a different story, but I know I'll watch it at some point. Instead I’ve been watching a lot of youtube; costubers and two video game channels that a friend introduced me to that work for me, good for dipping in and out of. Outsidexbox and Outside xtra. They also do D&D and streaming playing games together, that especially suits me since I miss that hanging out energy. Also it oddly reminds me of when I was in high school, and being friends with mainly guys more into video games. So I'd watch them and every once in a while, take a turn in Smash brothers or Goldeneye.

Tomorrow I get to see my lovely relatives who I haven't seen since last Fall, and I'm doing happy birthday planning too. Another benefit of seeing family is that in June, one of my nieces is graduating high school and I can actually be there for the party, as well as see my brother around his birthday at the end of May. I'm also really looking forward to having time to read, cook, walk and be with family, there's something about being there that takes a weight off of me.

Yesterday I was very foolish because I was craving a subway sandwich. I went out in the storm though I did dress properly but then discovered that even though I was there I had to use Grubhub. There is one I can walk to but I went for the T, it was an odd mood and then I chose the wrong shop in the app. The wonderful person there helped me out and I got my sandwich and then headed home.

My mood was odd because I'd stayed up all night reading, A Private Gentleman by Heidi Cullinan, a good book and I really need to not read romance novels before bed. They tend to be short enough that I know I can read a lot of them all at once. But they also are written in a way that makes them hard to put down, this one was good, needed some more editing as lots of plot but it worked.

Something I realized yesterday was how familiar this particular darker mood felt and I remembered my last winter in New Zealand when I was trying and failing to write my masters' thesis. Then I basically was stuck at home with brief trips out for walks or to meet with my advisor or do research but mainly not going out much. There was a subway almost next door to my apartment building where I'd often go when I was hungry and didn't want to make something. I was living in a shared apartment with two other people but we didn't connect that much. Also I felt like there was a wall in front of me that I couldn't get over, which ended up being true. I'm much more of a generalist and that thesis taught me a lot about how I work. I was also really homesick then.

This time, I'm in a place where I'm not hitting my head against something I can't do, but I can't control the pandemic and I miss my family a lot. The holidays have become tougher since my sister died because she started to go from sick to really sick at Thanksgiving, then died in February. So being together over the holidays means more. I've been thinking out testing and driving down for the holidays as I apply for jobs and need to figure out unemployment again after working the election. I can't seem to find a good place to find out when to expect to get paid.

In good news, I am writing, doing two Little Bangs for Rebelcaptain and I've started posting one that's getting lots of love. I'll be ready to put the other one up soon. The second one I keep getting in my head more since its a take on Jyn and Cassian having kids, which there a lot of takes on. I'm happy with what I have and its going to only get better. It also is a nice reminder to myself of how far I've come from that year in New Zealand when one of the things that stuck with me for a while was this worry over wordcounts. I started doing Yuletide not long after and that really helped me and my writing has changed. I still mainly write stuff under 1000 words but I know I can do longer too.

Yesterday for the first time since before I can recall, I was able to get my hair cut. I don't really get it cut during the winter other than bang trims, then usually do a big cut in the Spring. It feels nice to have it shorter since it had gotten long and heavy. My local hair salon opened and everyone was masked up and that was reassuring, and now as the weather's hotter, I feel lighter.

But the things I still have to do keep growing, I've been avoiding my car, which I really shouldn't have done since the battery couldn't get going. I had a feeling this was going to happen so one my next projects is calling AAA to get it sorted out as I've had this happen before. When I was doing grad school in Michigan and basically walked everywhere and the battery died and then on a holiday vacation at my parents when I didn't use my car as much. It's an odd thing to have happen since being stuck in my neighborhood has reminded me how much I like where I live. I like that I can walk for most of my errands and if need to, take the T, but its also useful having my car ready to go.

Also on my list is clearing out my mountain of boxes in my hall, having my car will help since I can drop the old printer at Staples. I work best at keeping things going when I have a reason and before the lockdown, I was driving almost every day for work.

My writing has stalled a bit but I'm trying to get a few words in here and there, I have this Jyn fic that won't be long but I think interesting. Then I have various longer wips that I have various ideas for and keep adding things here and there. I know that I'll feel better if I can finish something small which will give me the push to go into the bigger stuff.

In terms of the rest of the world, I'm doing my best to read, donate and be active how I can.

-Wearing a mask means I had to learn a new way to breath as wearing one wakes my asthma up
-Also I want to get another masks that's more cheerful, my current one is blue with some white stripes on it
-Twisting my ankle hurt and while its almost better, I now have something that sets a time limit on my walks
-Frozen phyllo dough is tricky to work with but not impossible
-I miss my librarian work
-I've also missed writing characters being angry, writing this Cassian fic: Someone to punch was very satisfying
-Having a new laptop is great but laptops eat up so much memory
-I really miss browsing in stores or places that aren't pharmacies, grocery or liquor stores
-Being patient worked and I'm writing again

Today I found out that the library I work at is closing for two weeks, which isn't too surprising. Though the library's out in the suburbs, a lot of Massachusetts is closing up to keep safe. On my way home I stopped at a Whole Foods and saw empty shelves but not always where I expected them; no frozen pizza, ice cream, sweet potatoes, cleaning supplies and meats were more expected.

I'm feeling fairly well prepared at this point and I've got a paycheck coming in on Thursday so not feeling too worried. My hope is that maybe I'll be able to get some writing done as this job oddly hasn't been as good for writing as I was hoping it would be. I might even open myself up to some prompts, I'll see. I'd like to try and finish and post some wips stuff before doing too many new things. And also reading, I'm going to go to the library tomorrow and see if I can snag some books.

In all this worry and stress, tonight the sky was gorgeous on the way home and in the parking lot which made me smile and feel like my sister was watching over.

My new job is going well, I'm learning new skills, everyone's nice and I don't really feel the long commute until the end of the week. Also it keeps me nice and busy, not a lot of downtime since I'm balancing reference desk and ILL. The ILL is something I'm going to keep getting faster at but for now, it takes time.

But its also coming up on the anniversary of my sister's death and at times it feels closer than others. I'm so glad to have work to keep me busy but when the weather gets grey and I have too much time in my own head, it hurts. I think of her at unexpected moments and miss being able to text her, talk about work and books and movies.

I'm trying to see if I can get the amaryllis from last year to bloom again after living in my closet for the year. And I have plans to connect with a friend this week and I'm going to reach out to my relative in the area too and other friends. Since this coming week and weekend are going to be hard, she died on the 6th.

Words keep going around in my head and I want to try and do more writing. Long commutes are good that way, there's time to think.

My Yuletide is posted and I'm actually looking forward to having time to read the archive this year. Now I also feel like I can go back to some other things that I'm writing, my Rebelcaptain secret santa and a prompt for the Cassian prompt-a-thon. I hope that this is a quieter holiday, last year was so strange. Most of the holiday was spent going between my sister's hospital room and my brother's place in New Jersey. We made it work but there was no real time to simply be as there usually is in the holidays.

This year my brother and his family are at his in-laws so its going to be me and my parents. I think that will be nice, trying to do big family after last year I think would be kind of jarring. This way, we'll have moments together and time to be, I expect to do lots of reading. I'm thinking about even trying to do holiday cards since I do love sending them, but didn't happen last year. So if you've given me your address, there might be a card.

Also before I head down, I'll be seeing the new Star Wars' movie, which I'm hoping for good. Knowing who I'll be seeing it with, I know I'll have good time.

My holiday felt like it started off early when I saw opening night of the Christmas Revels, and then on Sunday, I volunteered backstage. I helped to feed the cast and crew which was wonderful. I've only recently started volunteering with the Revels but its filling a spot in me for the theater. I'm hoping to keep getting more involved with them in the coming year.

I meant to write up this past week earlier since a good deal happened in it but then I stayed up too late watching The Haunting of Hill House and haven't been focused enough for words. And I binged that because it pulled me in and some of the grief felt familiar. Powerful and well done show, I'd recommend stretching it out since its in intense.

I think I'm on a slightly more even keel now but life is feeling in an odd place. The holidays are coming up, which I love but now there's also the association of my sister being sick around them. And I'm between jobs, which adds to that feeling of being unsettled. This past week and the one before, my last one at the public library felt more like a month than two weeks.

To begin with, last Monday, I learned about volunteering work that I think I'll be able to help with including working with a fellow librarian who works for the same library staffing agency. That was a really nice surprise and need to get back in touch with her. Then I had probably one of the worst work schedules at the nice library, closings and then openings, 5 to 9, Monday and Wednesday and 9 to 1 on Tuesday and Thursday. By the time I hit Friday I wasn't up to doing much and I think I might have been sick too. The last day of work was nice, one of the older librarians bought me one of the Dunkin Halloween themed donuts and the director of the library made it clear that they'd be happy to have me work with them again and it might happen.

Oh and Thursday after work, the HVAC maintenance person stopped by for what was meant to be a regular check up but instead found out it was broken. They came by again early Tuesday morning to fix one leak and say there's another, so as the weather's getting colder, I don't currently have heat. I'm also still dealing with a prescription thing that's taking far too long but I think its on the right track now.

Wednesday night was an alum meet up for my New Zealand university which I helped to arrange a little with an older couple at a pub in downtown Boston. I left the night feeling good about how it went but also feeling a lot like Lady Sybil Ramkin, since I was more in the hostess role. The spot we ended up in was pretty tight for how large a crowd we had but everyone had a good time and wanted to do more. It was nice to meet other Americans who spent time in New Zealand as well as New Zealanders living the US. The crowd was a true range of ages and experiences, but I spent most of the night handing out drink tickets and name tags.

So while I met people, the connections didn't feel as strong and I didn't find any fandom folks. I know they're out there but its always tricky knowing the right questions to get beyond so what do you do. There's a cool bookstore that does events that I keep meaning to try and get to. And then the night ended with a truly disheartening conversation with two NZ men about politics with them being 'realistic' and it left me tired. I think the worst of it was I felt talked down to, like how precious of you to be hopeful, it was disappointing since I'd had good interactions with them throughout the night. And I think that compounded that feeling of being slightly invisible.

In hopeful holiday news, I signed up for Yuletide and the Rebelcaptain secret santa and I'm planning on using November to try and get more writing done. Get some works in progress out into the world. The first chapter of my college AU is up and I think that's one that won't take much to finish and post, two more chapters, one smutty interlude. Ice Dancing AU as always is going to take more work, but I know I can get it done and also I have some shorter works to finish up.

I'm working from home today and its actually just what I needed. A little more sleep and now I'm trying to organize for my successor all the various things that I do. Its a daunting list and for me, this is going better on my own computer. I think because knowing they hired someone and now there really is an end feels like a lot combined with the weird end of last week. I just needed a break from the shifting workspace.

And I'll be moving my offices for my last month of work into where the person I replaced actually worked. This all is strange and with the weather deciding to go back to being rainy instead of sunny, draining too. Though there is some really good, one of my coworkers who I really like said I did a great job this year yesterday, that felt wonderful. And a student worker signed up to work Reunion Saturday so I probably won't have to work on my birthday.

I feel like my words and writing are starting to come back, which is a great feeling. Filling prompts and thinking about doing some traveling during the summer. Looking ahead I'm also going to get back into major job searching with now feeling comfortable doing academic jobs. I know the fact checking is there since my boss there reached out to me with a job last month.

My window garden is going wonderfully well, which is making me feel hopeful and slightly sad. I can't share pictures of it with my sister, but I feel like she knows. I'm also sharing lots of pictures with the rest of my family.