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ceitfiannaFor the past couple of weeks other than a few notable exceptions like the day of my sister's memorial, the weather has been rainy or cloudy. That plus all the driving and traveling I've been doing has left me feeling not completely tethered to one place and that my apartment and my job and my family all strings anchoring me. Some are good anchors like my family that reminds me how loved I am and the wonderful people that my family connects to and makes me want to reach out to my friends and those that care for me.
Also my apartment with a growing windowsill garden that now includes tiny seedling sunflowers that weren't ready for my sister's memorial and hyacinths in a vase which were one of many gifts brought that day. My job is this strange mixture of students with all their busy lives, who share with me and bring me in, the constant and also shifting needs of the library while at the back is the sense of the school waiting to go, nope, done with you.
The travel has helped to center me as the driving gives me time to think on story ideas and get to know New England better. And driving helped me to a point of being with family and a true pause.
I went to Mystic, Connecticut the weekend before last and had a great time. I chose Mystic because of its Seaport museum and with the idea that it was farther south and would get me closer to family. Now I want to go back since I loved the Aquarium, the museum and its waterfront and would love to explore more of the area with all the history and funky shops.
After that I headed down to my parents for a couple of days of true time off that I haven't had a lot of. Spending my time reading, sleeping in and just being with them was great. Then we all headed up to my brothers' place in New Jersey for my sister's memorial which was a lot. It started on Friday with first connecting with family; my other brother who lives in France was there, my Boston relative and her husband came down and then so many friends and connections from different parts of all our lives.
We had at first thought that Friday would be just family but it turned out to be a portion of extended family and friends. Then Saturday, the sun came out, the wind blew as we set up chairs for about a hundred guests who showed up to remember Leslie. So many people were there and we did a Quaker ceremony, which meant the heart of it was everyone sharing their feelings and memories.
Also we asked people to bring bulbs and plants to plant her memory, two long folding tables were covered with plants. And so many moments felt right like we needed a guest book, one of my nieces found a scrapbook/album with a sunflower on the cover. Sunflowers were her favorite. The side porch that we set up with pictures and albums had a robin's nest in one of the corners under the roof. Then the party stretched into the night with wonderful shifting groups of people talking and children swirling through everything. It felt like she was there, loving all the parts of her life intersecting.
On Sunday before I started my rainy drive, our small family planted some trees and a few smaller plants including sprinkling some of her ashes. That felt like the right note to leave on. I drove and drove through varying rain up north. Then on Monday felt worn out and sick so rested and did a few errands.
This week, work has been good, we're moving into end of the semester mode with endings feeling closer and schedules to arrange. The tricky sense of helping for next year when I won't be there is always there adding almost a doubling feeling.
Today helped give me a sense of what's next as I had a good all day interview at a school for a middle school librarian family leave position. It was a place I could see myself and I feel like I presented myself really well. After I got home, I wasn't ready to sit as I had odd energy and took the T into more of Boston to walk and think, which was a good feeling. I even ended up getting a character from a blind bag that I've been searching for.
Looking ahead, I want to meet up with Boston people as seeing my brother surrounded by these friends that he and my sister grew up with made me want my hanging out people. Life is full and good and I feel hopeful, while having pangs as I see something I wish I could share with my sister.
Also my apartment with a growing windowsill garden that now includes tiny seedling sunflowers that weren't ready for my sister's memorial and hyacinths in a vase which were one of many gifts brought that day. My job is this strange mixture of students with all their busy lives, who share with me and bring me in, the constant and also shifting needs of the library while at the back is the sense of the school waiting to go, nope, done with you.
The travel has helped to center me as the driving gives me time to think on story ideas and get to know New England better. And driving helped me to a point of being with family and a true pause.
I went to Mystic, Connecticut the weekend before last and had a great time. I chose Mystic because of its Seaport museum and with the idea that it was farther south and would get me closer to family. Now I want to go back since I loved the Aquarium, the museum and its waterfront and would love to explore more of the area with all the history and funky shops.
After that I headed down to my parents for a couple of days of true time off that I haven't had a lot of. Spending my time reading, sleeping in and just being with them was great. Then we all headed up to my brothers' place in New Jersey for my sister's memorial which was a lot. It started on Friday with first connecting with family; my other brother who lives in France was there, my Boston relative and her husband came down and then so many friends and connections from different parts of all our lives.
We had at first thought that Friday would be just family but it turned out to be a portion of extended family and friends. Then Saturday, the sun came out, the wind blew as we set up chairs for about a hundred guests who showed up to remember Leslie. So many people were there and we did a Quaker ceremony, which meant the heart of it was everyone sharing their feelings and memories.
Also we asked people to bring bulbs and plants to plant her memory, two long folding tables were covered with plants. And so many moments felt right like we needed a guest book, one of my nieces found a scrapbook/album with a sunflower on the cover. Sunflowers were her favorite. The side porch that we set up with pictures and albums had a robin's nest in one of the corners under the roof. Then the party stretched into the night with wonderful shifting groups of people talking and children swirling through everything. It felt like she was there, loving all the parts of her life intersecting.
On Sunday before I started my rainy drive, our small family planted some trees and a few smaller plants including sprinkling some of her ashes. That felt like the right note to leave on. I drove and drove through varying rain up north. Then on Monday felt worn out and sick so rested and did a few errands.
This week, work has been good, we're moving into end of the semester mode with endings feeling closer and schedules to arrange. The tricky sense of helping for next year when I won't be there is always there adding almost a doubling feeling.
Today helped give me a sense of what's next as I had a good all day interview at a school for a middle school librarian family leave position. It was a place I could see myself and I feel like I presented myself really well. After I got home, I wasn't ready to sit as I had odd energy and took the T into more of Boston to walk and think, which was a good feeling. I even ended up getting a character from a blind bag that I've been searching for.
Looking ahead, I want to meet up with Boston people as seeing my brother surrounded by these friends that he and my sister grew up with made me want my hanging out people. Life is full and good and I feel hopeful, while having pangs as I see something I wish I could share with my sister.
no subject
Date: 2019-05-03 12:38 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2019-05-05 08:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-05-05 04:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-05-06 01:09 am (UTC)p.s. wishing you good luck with the job application!
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Date: 2019-05-06 01:14 am (UTC)