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Patience: It sounds so easy, just wait and think and keep hoping and more things will open up, patience. Yet every day seems long as I haul boxes and sort and search and work. The hope of something beyond what I see now is hard to picture. I know it’s out there, but it’s hard to imagine myself talking about words again since they seem far away. Money keeps haunting me and saying, no you’re not in a strong enough place now so wait. But waiting seems to hurt as I don’t know what I need to do. If I need help, who do I ask and how do I start out on this road. I know that I can do what I need to do, whatever that is. I just wish that the process were a little easier. So many things to wonder about, so much to go wrong that even when things are going right. It’s easier to be patient when you can see where you’re going. At the moment, I have mixed feelings about where I’m going so tis trickier. I’m going home for a time, but I’m home here too.
Yet what I spend my time isn’t a happy or comfortable place, it’s where I work. And I feel unsure of myself when I’m there, because I know if I talked about my interests as I do every once in a while, it comes to nothing. I miss being able to talk to people about everything and not have intellectual stuff be odd. I guess I need to find a way to get myself into the ivory tower of academia, yet another part of me says but what if the way that lets you in is far from who you love. And I guess wherever I end up I’ll be far from someone I love either my family or Rowan. But it shouldn’t be a choice of who’s more important and who do I want to be with.
The choice is about where do I get to learn about storytellers and read all of The Odyssey in Greek and create a place for myself where I feel strong and sure. New Zealand has taught me that I’m strong enough to adapt and survive well in the workplace yet in the workplace I miss a sense of curiosity about the world. One reason I love Rowan is that fact that he’ll go and read about something because he wants to know more. And with him, I feel myself being again a scholar and creative and able to do anything and everything. He’s helped me find my strength and makes sure that I don’t forget who I am when the days are long or let me get away with the easy way out. Speak the truth, be honest if it means yelling and crying. Trust isn’t easy and neither is love, but what’s there is strong and gives you a solid place to leap from and a safe harbour to come back to no matter how far away you go.
At the Cancer Society, I rediscovered my love of talking and helping people, letting them know that they’re not alone and that they can get through this, along with laughing and living with people who only want to help others. I want to surround myself with people who love to share knowledge and are curious about the world. And I know it’s out there, I just need to keep looking for the windows. I have the passion and I have many people who are going to help me and will do quite a lot to help me. Now I just need to know what help to ask them for.
I have more time at Arthur Barnett, now the trick is to make sure that I’m focussed on what I need not what they need. I can get the job done easily enough, so that’s not a worry. Just how do I keep myself from ending every day feeling like the most interesting times are when I play freecell while waiting for someone or reading during a break or lunch. I’ve had moments of beauty at Arthur Barnett when nature slipped in and seemed to say, don’t forget this isn’t all: a fantail flying madly about, a snowstorm that everyone stopped and talked about. The world doesn’t stop, yet in a place with no windows and the only way out through an elevator and then through a mall can make the possibilities outside even fewer. I think I need to use my time in Dunedin to remind myself why I love this special place. Whether Rowan likes it or not, I’m taking him to the Otago Penisula to fight the wind and see albatross chicks and penguins, I’m going to make sure every weekend, there’s something special to look forward to. So that Arthur Barnett is simply a stopping place between adventures.
I didn’t think at first I was going to post this since I just sat down and started writing, but so many people who I care about are far away and my nature is talk through my problems and when I’m happy and comfortable I tell stories and turn into a performer. Well, these are my thoughts and problems and the world I’m in at the moment and I give them to the world since it has been generous to me by gifting me with wonderful friends and family. I want to hear thoughts from anyone in terms of this since I can’t have a conversation in person, I’d like to start one here till I may see you again. In another world perhaps, I would stand in the village pub and talk and drink with these thoughts, now I put them online and as a humble soul, say thank you for listening and sharing my words.
Yet what I spend my time isn’t a happy or comfortable place, it’s where I work. And I feel unsure of myself when I’m there, because I know if I talked about my interests as I do every once in a while, it comes to nothing. I miss being able to talk to people about everything and not have intellectual stuff be odd. I guess I need to find a way to get myself into the ivory tower of academia, yet another part of me says but what if the way that lets you in is far from who you love. And I guess wherever I end up I’ll be far from someone I love either my family or Rowan. But it shouldn’t be a choice of who’s more important and who do I want to be with.
The choice is about where do I get to learn about storytellers and read all of The Odyssey in Greek and create a place for myself where I feel strong and sure. New Zealand has taught me that I’m strong enough to adapt and survive well in the workplace yet in the workplace I miss a sense of curiosity about the world. One reason I love Rowan is that fact that he’ll go and read about something because he wants to know more. And with him, I feel myself being again a scholar and creative and able to do anything and everything. He’s helped me find my strength and makes sure that I don’t forget who I am when the days are long or let me get away with the easy way out. Speak the truth, be honest if it means yelling and crying. Trust isn’t easy and neither is love, but what’s there is strong and gives you a solid place to leap from and a safe harbour to come back to no matter how far away you go.
At the Cancer Society, I rediscovered my love of talking and helping people, letting them know that they’re not alone and that they can get through this, along with laughing and living with people who only want to help others. I want to surround myself with people who love to share knowledge and are curious about the world. And I know it’s out there, I just need to keep looking for the windows. I have the passion and I have many people who are going to help me and will do quite a lot to help me. Now I just need to know what help to ask them for.
I have more time at Arthur Barnett, now the trick is to make sure that I’m focussed on what I need not what they need. I can get the job done easily enough, so that’s not a worry. Just how do I keep myself from ending every day feeling like the most interesting times are when I play freecell while waiting for someone or reading during a break or lunch. I’ve had moments of beauty at Arthur Barnett when nature slipped in and seemed to say, don’t forget this isn’t all: a fantail flying madly about, a snowstorm that everyone stopped and talked about. The world doesn’t stop, yet in a place with no windows and the only way out through an elevator and then through a mall can make the possibilities outside even fewer. I think I need to use my time in Dunedin to remind myself why I love this special place. Whether Rowan likes it or not, I’m taking him to the Otago Penisula to fight the wind and see albatross chicks and penguins, I’m going to make sure every weekend, there’s something special to look forward to. So that Arthur Barnett is simply a stopping place between adventures.
I didn’t think at first I was going to post this since I just sat down and started writing, but so many people who I care about are far away and my nature is talk through my problems and when I’m happy and comfortable I tell stories and turn into a performer. Well, these are my thoughts and problems and the world I’m in at the moment and I give them to the world since it has been generous to me by gifting me with wonderful friends and family. I want to hear thoughts from anyone in terms of this since I can’t have a conversation in person, I’d like to start one here till I may see you again. In another world perhaps, I would stand in the village pub and talk and drink with these thoughts, now I put them online and as a humble soul, say thank you for listening and sharing my words.
