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I'm trying to adjust to where I am now and reading erinmuse's livejournal made me think of how I've changed and things have stayed the same but haven't. Its nice to see my parents changing the way they're living their lives by working less, travelling more and living in a smaller house. That helps since its a nice reminder that I'm not the only who's shifting where they are in their lives. At the moment, I'm sitting at my new laptop in my parent's new house and its a wonderful small house that's feels safe and comfortable, but its not my home. At the moment, I don't know exactly where home is for me since I know its made up of the people in my life and a lot of them are here in the US, friends from Randolph-Macon, my parents and siblings.
But I'm at loose ends as Paddington would say and the biggest loose end is not sharing the majority of my days with Rowan. I'm looking into finding a job so I can earn some money to go back to New Zealand and study again. I want to dive headfirst into the world of books and storytellers, ancient and modern and find my own voice and write articles and teach and live in that way. Rowan helped me see that's that who I want to be, in academia enjoying what I can learn and teach. Though its scary trying to figure out how to get there. I have to apply for school again but this time into a system I don't know very well and I'm not sure what will happen in the end. Also my strength feels like its missing since Rowan's on the other side of the world. Especially since being apart is hitting us both so hard, we started and ended our days together and not having that is terribly hard. So we talk on the phone at all times of the day and try to give the other one hope and just feel together. He's working on finding a way to come and visit the US so he can meet my family and see where I came from, but its hard since he can't do that until he finishes his degree and earns some money, while if we wait too long, we'll have to figure out tickets for both of us.
So life is just seeming rather large and cumbersome at the moment, not helped by the fact, my body's on New Zealand time and I'm a bit sick. This has been a rather long entry and sort of goes all over the place, but I'm feeling a bit scared at the moment and want to find out where I'm going since I haven't got a map.
But I'm at loose ends as Paddington would say and the biggest loose end is not sharing the majority of my days with Rowan. I'm looking into finding a job so I can earn some money to go back to New Zealand and study again. I want to dive headfirst into the world of books and storytellers, ancient and modern and find my own voice and write articles and teach and live in that way. Rowan helped me see that's that who I want to be, in academia enjoying what I can learn and teach. Though its scary trying to figure out how to get there. I have to apply for school again but this time into a system I don't know very well and I'm not sure what will happen in the end. Also my strength feels like its missing since Rowan's on the other side of the world. Especially since being apart is hitting us both so hard, we started and ended our days together and not having that is terribly hard. So we talk on the phone at all times of the day and try to give the other one hope and just feel together. He's working on finding a way to come and visit the US so he can meet my family and see where I came from, but its hard since he can't do that until he finishes his degree and earns some money, while if we wait too long, we'll have to figure out tickets for both of us.
So life is just seeming rather large and cumbersome at the moment, not helped by the fact, my body's on New Zealand time and I'm a bit sick. This has been a rather long entry and sort of goes all over the place, but I'm feeling a bit scared at the moment and want to find out where I'm going since I haven't got a map.
