![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Long and Complicated
Oct. 6th, 2004 05:21 pmI came to the far side of the world, not knowing what I would find. I found that I had a lot of pain that I'd kept hidden away, because I'm good at being the strong one. I found a friend somehow after rebounding very strongly unto to him. I'm lucky that he's willing to listen and be there for conversations since I feel like I caught him up in a mess. I guess I'm surprised because I'm the one who's so used to being there for everyone else that I'm thrown off guard when someone is there for me. So now its time for me to be selfish and really think about what I need.
That's why I said this was going to be long and complicated, because what I'd really like to do is just talk and cry and rant for a while. Yet this is the only good way I can feel safe saying some of these painful and know that my friends will read it and I won't have to repeat myself too many times. So Mom and Dad, Erin and Geoff, you'll be hearing from me soon, because words are a start but such a distance.
I've been hiding something for a friend and even now I can't tell that secret, but last night I realized what it had done to me. I'm a very open person and I like to live life in the now. That's why, today I feel as if I'm missing a layer of skin, because a lot of very powerful emotions are near the surface. Its important to me that I can help my friends and be there to make them feel better and I know how lucky I am with my family and so I feel a responsibility to help too. Though this has caused me to spend a long time in a situation that wasn't healthy for me, because I was so concerned about protecting the one I loved. That I changed how I felt and reacted to certain situations. Now I'm paying the price, because I still care and so its hard to feel truly angry. But the truth is I put my heart and passion into a place where I couldn't be as fully myself as I'd like. Also that I can't fix everyone's problems and I know that. I can be there for them and that's more than enough.
Now I needed to remedy that and to do that, I'm going to spend time figuring out who I am. I'm going to write again and tell stories and walk and walk. Since walking for me has always been how I release my thoughts and fears. I'm going to move into my flat on Sunday and make friends with the 11 other people in the house. I'm going to cook and go see shows and just live. That's why I'm here, because how can I know who I am if I don't look myself in the face. And that means aknowledging that I have a broken heart and need to figure out how to start over with what I need for myself and be the selfish one. Thanks for hearing these thoughts.
That's why I said this was going to be long and complicated, because what I'd really like to do is just talk and cry and rant for a while. Yet this is the only good way I can feel safe saying some of these painful and know that my friends will read it and I won't have to repeat myself too many times. So Mom and Dad, Erin and Geoff, you'll be hearing from me soon, because words are a start but such a distance.
I've been hiding something for a friend and even now I can't tell that secret, but last night I realized what it had done to me. I'm a very open person and I like to live life in the now. That's why, today I feel as if I'm missing a layer of skin, because a lot of very powerful emotions are near the surface. Its important to me that I can help my friends and be there to make them feel better and I know how lucky I am with my family and so I feel a responsibility to help too. Though this has caused me to spend a long time in a situation that wasn't healthy for me, because I was so concerned about protecting the one I loved. That I changed how I felt and reacted to certain situations. Now I'm paying the price, because I still care and so its hard to feel truly angry. But the truth is I put my heart and passion into a place where I couldn't be as fully myself as I'd like. Also that I can't fix everyone's problems and I know that. I can be there for them and that's more than enough.
Now I needed to remedy that and to do that, I'm going to spend time figuring out who I am. I'm going to write again and tell stories and walk and walk. Since walking for me has always been how I release my thoughts and fears. I'm going to move into my flat on Sunday and make friends with the 11 other people in the house. I'm going to cook and go see shows and just live. That's why I'm here, because how can I know who I am if I don't look myself in the face. And that means aknowledging that I have a broken heart and need to figure out how to start over with what I need for myself and be the selfish one. Thanks for hearing these thoughts.
